


closeted fears

by Undertale_Writing_Challenges



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: (attempted) Drunk Sex, Bad Bro AU, Drinking to Cope, Fools in Love, Gay Panic, Homophobia, M/M, Masturbation (briefly mentioned), Rated Explicit For Safety, Sexuality Crisis, Sort Of, and edge is a bad brother, blue is gay and proud, is it a bad bro au if it's the fellbros tho, nothing new, prolly could have gotten away with mature but you know, red is gay and terrified, tra la la beware the woman who is bad at tagging, underfell is a bad place, wet dreams
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-07
Updated: 2020-04-07
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:40:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,482
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23527789
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Undertale_Writing_Challenges/pseuds/Undertale_Writing_Challenges
Summary: Red is not gay.--A fic about self discovery that was lowkey inspired by Interverse's Disgusting, but also lowkey not because the idea was already there, 'verse just brought it out like a reckoning.yeah yeah, i'm late, that fics a year old, sue me!!! WARNINGS !!!There's a lot of Red self-hatred in this fic, and a lot of homophobic Edge and general population of Underfell. This fic is not a fluff piece. Read at your own disgression.
Relationships: CherryBerry, Sans (Underfell)/Sans (Underswap)
Comments: 4
Kudos: 44





	closeted fears

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Disgusting](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18296885) by [Interverse](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Interverse/pseuds/Interverse). 



> haha get it? closeted fears? cause it's about red being in the closet and also in denial? haha i'm hilarious
> 
> i seriously didn't know what to call this fic okay pls if someone has a better title tell me
> 
> Things I feel obligated to say:
> 
> I am not gay. I'm also not going through a sexuality crisis myself, this is not a vent fic or cathartic writing. I don't know what it's like to be in the closet, or to question my own identity, I've always been fluid with my sexuality, accepting change as I discovered more about myself (if anyone is curious, I've decided that I am sansexual.) This fic is just something I've been wanting to write for a while because, listen, I love some hurt/comfort okay? If any of this is unrealistic (aside from the fact that they're walking skeletons with dicks and shit) please forgive me, I am not writing from experience.
> 
> This fic goes against the headcanons I have about monster relationships (and yes this includes in Underfell thanks) and for brevity's sake I won't share them. Long story short, this fic was hard to write, but I enjoyed it all the same, so I hope you guys like the story. This was a jumble of different scenes that had come to me that were meant to be parts of a long, slow-burn fic where Red gets over his fear of being gay to be in love with Blue, but lets be honest, I never would have been able to finish a whole multi-chap about this. 
> 
> I hope you guys enjoy this, as always, and uh. stay safe cause of the corona and whatnot. 
> 
> also there's no porn in this fic, sorry to disappoint. it's rated e for safety cause i'm a paranoid fuck.

i.

“thanks fer lettin’ me sleep here.” Red murmurs, keeping his eyes glued to the pillow beneath him. Blue doesn’t look up from his book, just makes a vague sound of acknowledgement. “...you didn’t… have to let me.”

“Of course I did, Red,” Blue looks over at him, gaze unyielding yet gentle. “What was the other option, to let you sleep on the floor like a dogbeast?”

Red bites his tongue to keep himself from saying yes.

“s’just… cramped,” And it was. Blue’s bed wasn’t very big, not quite built for two people, but they were both small. Red had his own ‘side of the bed,’ but he was still close enough that his body brushed against the other’s. “yer not… uncomfortable?”

“Are you?” Blue says in lieu of a response, because of course the monster would be more worried about Red than himself.

“m’not worried about me,” 

“I am.” Blue murmurs, setting his book open on his chest and turning to look at Red fully. “I want you to be happy.”

Red feels his face flush, and he ducks his head down to avoid meeting Blue’s gaze. “m’fine. just… it’s _yer_ bed. not mine. i don’t wanna… intrude?”

Blue giggles, and picks his book back up, giving Red an impish grin. “Trust me, Red. Cuddling up against a hot guy all night isn’t exactly high on my list of problems.”

Red isn’t sure what to do with the fact his Soul swells at the joking copliment.

ii.

The first time he woke up with Blue’s arms wrapped around him, he jolted so hard he pulled the other skeleton out of his deep sleep (and that says something; he’s seen Blue sleep through the arguments their brothers get into sometimes.)

Sometime around the fourth, his body has learned that Blue holding him wasn’t something to be scared of. Now, on the days he wakes before Blue, he stays silent and calm, and listens to the steady breathing and rumbling purr of the monster behind him.

One morning, he makes the mistake of turning to face Blue.

Blue’s fast asleep, entirely unstirred by Red’s gentle shuffle to roll over. It’s cute, unbearably so, and Red can feel the beginnings of a fond smile grace his mouth (though the fact he has a shark mouth probably means it’s not the most pleasant of things to look at). He reaches up and trails his finger against Blue’s cheek, delighting in the way it brings a soft noise from him. 

Red stays there for a minute, entranced by the way the artificial sunlight pouring from the window frames Blue in an almost ethereal glow. Blue, in that moment, is beautiful. Blue, in all moments, is beautiful.

Red loves this, loves not having to roll out of bed as he first wakes up, loves not having to worry about the Boss beating his door down, loves not having to fight for his life every damned day of the week. Most of all, he loves _this,_ just lying in bed with Blue and just watching the other sleep, so comfortably and soundly, as if he’s not sharing his bed with a murderer. 

Loves _him._

It takes Red a good five seconds to process the realization that he was _in love_ with another _man._

It doesn’t take him nearly as long to subsequently freak out.

iii. 

Red is _not_ gay. 

He’s not. 

Maybe he’s never exactly had a girlfriend before, or had sex with a girl, or even wanted to before, but that doesn’t mean he’s _gay._

Being gay is _wrong,_ and being gay gets you _killed._

That said though, he has nothing against Blue, never has. This universe was different than his own, and if people like Blue were accepted here, then Red had absolutely nothing to say about the fact that Blue was the ~~cutest~~ _gayest_ monster he’d ever met.

But even if this universe wouldn’t care if he didn’t like girls, even if everyone would be accepting, Red is still not gay. 

He _can’t_ be gay, because even if _this_ universe is accepting, _his_ is not, and he still has to go back to his hellhole of a home one day, and he most certainly can’t come back with the awareness that he is _gay._

iv.

“You’re not… like _Blue…_ are you?” Edge spits the name out with disgust, sockets flickering in distaste before zeroing in on Red’s own. 

“whaddya mean?” Red somehow manages to keep his voice even despite the fact his Soul has run cold with fear. Maybe if he plays dead, Boss’ll drop it, and he won’t pester him about it, because even if Red’s good at convincing himself, he might not be good at convincing Edge.

“You know what I mean,” Edge snaps, and well, this is it isn’t it? The day Red loses all respect he might have had from his brother (and possibly dies). “You’ve been up there in his room all this time doing Gods know what, and now you look at him like he put the stars in the sky. _Do you like him.”_

“not like that!” Red is quick to defend himself, throwing his hands up and shaking them wildly. “shit, Boss, m’not fuckin’ gay!”

Edge stares at him, cold and calculative, for a second longer than Red is exactly comfortable with, before finally looking away and huffing, “Good.”

And Red thinks that’s the end of it, thinks he can finally let out a sigh of relief, but Edge speaks one last time;

“Know that I wouldn’t hesitate to kill you if you were.”

v.

The constant mantra of _I’m not gay_ he has to repeat to himself everytime Blue does something mildly interesting only works up until the point Red has his first wet dream of him.

Now, he’s had wet dreams of guys before, and he’d always woken up more confused than aroused, but the first time he dreams of _Blue,_ he wakes up hard as a rock and gasping for breath.

He doesn’t have the sense left in him at that moment to be ashamed or disgusted with himself, too busy reaching down to palm at himself to even begin to think about what he’s doing.

He only manages two quick pumps of his fist before he soils the inside of his shorts.

It takes him far too long to realize he brought himself off with the star of his dreams _right next to him._

He has to rush to the bathroom to cover up his shame, hiccoughing on his sobs the whole way through. The tears make his vision watery, and he trips on his way back to Blue’s room. He feels the pain bloom across his knees and he knows it’ll be a nasty carpet burn, but he deserves it. He deserves to hurt. He’s disgusting.

That morning at the breakfast table, he catches Blue staring at him with a _look_ in his eyes.

He knew.

vi.

“Blue… c’n i talk to you?” His voice is rough and shaky. He hasn’t been sleeping too well the last few nights, even despite Blue’s warm hold. 

Blue looks over at him for a second, before moving to mark the page in his book.

“you don’ have to stop readin’. just wanna ask you something.” Red murmurs, feeling guilty that he’s ruining his friend’s bedtime story.

Blue smiles at him and closes the book, leaning over to put it on the nightstand. “You deserve my full attention, Red.”

“even for a stupid question?”

“ _Especially_ for a stupid question. Stupid questions always bring the best debates.” 

“...how did ya know ya was gay?”

Blue seems surprised by the question, and his eyes flicker for a moment, expression going unreadable, before he breaks out into a wide grin. He giggles, and he looks up at the ceiling as he ponders. “Well… I don’t… really have an answer to that. I just _knew?_ I never really liked girls, even as a kid, and I never knew what that meant until I grew older and finally had something to call it.” He sighs, looking over at Red for a moment with an incredibly fond expression on his face before looking away and continuing, “I was 14 when I came out. I think Stretch knew way before I did, though, because he wasn’t surprised at all. You know, I don’t really like labeling myself based on my sexuality, I don’t think any of us do… I think that’s why we’re not really taught about this kind of stuff? People don’t want kids to think that any of it’s wrong or one sexuality is better. So they just leave us to… discover.”

Part of Red wishes he really grew up here, in this universe that sounded so open and accepting. Where would he be now if he grew up without being judged by every pair of eyes that ever laid on him.

“This universe… isn’t like yours, Red. You don’t have to be ashamed of yourself for being different here.” Blue’s voice has gone soft and Red really wishes it hadn’t because that voice does _things_ to his Soul. _Things_ that scare him yet amaze him all the same. “I can keep a secret. You can be free with me… So… what are _you,_ Red?”

He hesitates a second too long.

“m’straight.” He finally ~~lies~~ says.

vii.

Red is gay.

Red is undeniably, irrevocably gay.

He’s really, really fucking gay, okay? And it feels _great_ to say it to himself. Just the admittance makes him feel dizzy and warm (though that might be the shots working their way through his system.)

He can’t stop himself from giggling when he first thinks it to himself, and he laughs when he says it to himself under his breath, and he laughs giddily the whole way home, and up the stairs, and into Blue’s room (and later, he’ll thank whatever Fates allowed Edge to be sleeping during this.)

He stumbles into Blue’s arms and Blue laughs with him though he sounds confused, and that’s when Red gets a good look at him.

Blue’s half naked, the only thing covering him were the pants that rode low on his hipbones, and if Red were a little more sober, he might have realized he had just interrupted Blue as he changed, but right now all he can focus on the amount of _bare Blue_ he sees. 

Fuck, the boner was just predestined to exist, wasn’t it?

His giggles turn into moans, and he leans heavily into Blue, shoving his face into the other’s neck and licking wherever he can reach.

“...Red… what are you doing?” Blue’s voice lacks the amusement he’d heard just moments ago when he was giggling with Red. But that’s okay, Red has another inflection he’d much rather hear right now.

“m’gonna fuck ya,” Red husks out, reaching down and grabbing Blue by the hips, pulling him close for a slow, filthy grind. “gonna _wreck_ ya.”

“Red.” Blue says firmly, tensing up, and Red leans back to get a good look at the expression on his ~~mate’s~~ friend’s face. It’s not a look of arousal like Red was hoping, instead it’s a look of worry and confusion ~~and disgust.~~ “You’re drunk.”

“so?” He scoffs, reaching down to rub at Blue’s sacrum, _Determined_ to make the other just as hot and bothered as he is. He comes up short, though, when Blue grabs him by the wrists and pulls them up to their chests. Red flexes in Blue’s grip and finds that it’s _solid._ He’s not going anywhere until Blue lets him go. _Fuck,_ that’s hot. “i still want ya. please?”

“No.”

“why not? ain’t ya…” Red swallows thickly, and finds the next words harder than they should be to say, “ain’t ya want me?” Fear grips his Soul, even with the alcohol in his system he can’t keep the dread out because, what if Blue doesn’t want him? What if Blue _hates_ him, never wants to see him again, never wants to--

“I want you very much, Red.”

And just like that, fear is replaced with all-consuming desire. Red tries to press up against Blue with renewed force, but Blue holds him at bay easily, twisting his arms behind his back at an angle that smarts every time he tries to press closer. 

“then fuck me,” He pleads, and wow, that was quite a different goal he had, but Blue holding him down like this brings back all that practice he’s had at _submitting._

“Not when you’re _drunk._ ”

“why not?” Red whines, and he’d be embarrassed by the way he sounds like a petulant child if he had the mind left to even be embarrassed in the first place.

“Because this isn’t you asking. It’s the alcohol.”

“nope. i want ya when i’m sober, too. s’unfortunate really. want ya all the time.”

Blue quirks a browbone at him. “I thought you were straight?”

“i’m so fuckin’ gay. don’t tell the boss though, s’a secret,” Red giggles as he finally admits it, but Blue doesn’t respond as though he’s hit with some big revelation. Rude. Red’s so goddamn skilled at acting, Blue should be fucking _flabbergasted._ “now fuck me.”

“Ask me tomorrow.” Blue says simply.

Red yawns. The idea of waiting until tomorrow is appealing. His limbs are starting to feel heavy and (ha) boneless. But he has to be sure Blue will actually say yes, because _fuck_ if he wants to go through another unsatisfying night of jerking off in the bathroom alone. “will th’ answer be diff’r’nt tomorrow?”

“It doesn’t matter. You won’t ask the question.”

“yes i will. promise. but only if you say yes. will you say yes?”

“Of course I will. Now get in bed.”

He finds it’s a good idea to listen.

(Red doesn’t ask the question the next day. He’s too busy throwing up in the morning, and wallowing in self-hatred in the day.)

viii. 

Blue catches Red one morning as he’s watching him sleep, and rather than be creeped out like he should be, Blue just sits there and watches him back.

They stay like that for a while in silence as the light begins to bleed into the room, before Red finally decides they’ve been holding each other like ~~lovers~~ weirdos for long enough. 

What he wants to say is _‘wanna get breakfast?’_ so he’s not quite sure how his mouth fucks up so badly as to say “kiss me.”

He takes in a breath and holds it, staring up at Blue with fear in his eyes, though he’s not exactly certain as to what he’s afraid of. For Blue to say yes? For Blue to say _no?_ ~~For Blue to laugh at him and kick him out of his room and never speak to him again?~~

Blue exhales slowly, deliberately, the breath ghosting across Red’s face gently. He smiles, and reaches down and frames Red’s chin in his hand, and Red finally lets out the breath he was holding shakily because, this is it, it’s finally happening, the moment where Red’s life will officially change forever.

Where Red will finally be well and truly fucked. He can never go back after this.

His eyes flutter closed as Blue leans in, and anxiety and excitement and fear begin to muddle up into one, incomprehensible mess. 

Red’s sockets snap open when he feels the press of teeth against the top of his skull.

Blue pulls back, but he doesn’t let go of his jaw, thumb caressing his mandible gently.

“that’s not what i meant,” Red finds is the only thing he can say.

“I know.”

“...then… why didn’t you…?”

“Because you haven’t asked yet.”

“...kiss me? please?” 

Blue giggles and smooches his skull again. “Not that, Red. I need you to tell me you want this. That you want _me._ ”

Wordlessly, Red stares up at him, sockets wide as he searches for his wits.

“Say, ‘I want you, Blue.’”

And he tries, really, _really,_ tries, but he just can’t. His throat works, but he can’t form the words, because, “i’m scared.”

“Of what?”

_Of everything._

Of going home and never being able to go back to normal, of Boss finding out, of being killed, but more than anything _of losing Blue._

Of Blue being in love with him too, and Red still having to go home because his brother would never let him stay.

But of course, his voice is still locked, and all he manages to do is whimper as the tears start to slide down his cheeks.

“It’s okay… You’re not ready.”

And Red shakes his head, shoving his face into Blue’s chest and breaking down into sobs.

“I can wait until you are.”

ix.

Red finally decides he’s ready at, arguably, the _worst possible time._

Then again, watching the machine hum to life, sealing his fate to return home to his death, does wonders to unlock his throat.

He breaks free of the unrelenting grip Edge has on the collar around his neck, and rushes Blue, throwing himself into his arms and crying out “i want you!”

“i want to stay here, i want to be with you, i love you, _i love you! don’t make me leave!”_

Admitting his love for another man in front of his very, very homophobic brother who threatened to kill him if he was gay was, shockingly, not a good idea.

Blue’s magic is the first to rise to the room, an aura that’s powerful and icy-hot as it explodes through the room protectively. It’s a warning, a threat, and one that Edge does not take if the crackling of an attack is anything to go by.

But it was two against one, one of them the Judge and one of them much stronger than he looked; Edge never stood a chance.

x.

Red can’t help it. He cries. He cries a lot.

He cries because he misses his home, as fucked as it may be. He cries because he feels like a failure. And he cries because his brother hates him. (That’s the part that hurts the worst.)

The first time Red tries to use the machine to try and reconcile, he’s met with a connection error. He holds onto some, bizarre hope that it was a glitch. By the fourth time, he finally accepts it: The machine on the other side had been broken. Edge never wanted to see him again.

He has a lot of nightmares, but he wakes up every time in Blue’s arms. At first, he’s angry; angry at himself and at the world, and a small, petty part of himself is angry at _Blue._ Damn Blue for being so kind, and honest, and beautiful. Damn Blue for being so accepting, and caring, and loving. Damn Blue for making Red fall in love with him.

But he holds on to the hope that one day, it won’t hurt as bad. One day, Red will feel _okay_ again. One day, everything will be okay.

And whenever that hope dwindles, as upset as he may be, all he has to do is look at Blue. 

He knows in his Soul, that Blue will fix everything.

xi. (bonus)

It was a long, painful road that brought them here, but when Red finds himself watching Blue watching him in a way that seems so familiar; he knows that he’s finally made it. He’s made it to tomorrow. 

“kiss me.” Red says.

Blue makes a soft, amused little noise, understanding flickering in his eyelights.

Gently, he cups Red’s chin in his as he leans down. Red’s eyes flutter shut, and he tilts his own head up so Blue can reach him better, barely managing to stifle the laugh that bubbles up when the other’s teeth press against his skull instead.

“that’s not what i meant.” Red says without opening his eyes.

“I know.”

“then why didn’t you kiss me?” He peeks a socket open for a fraction of a second to catch a glimpse of the love-struck look on Blue’s face. He feels whole.

“Because you haven’t asked.”

“kiss me. please.”

Blue laughs, delighted, pressing another kiss to his forehead, lingering this time, and reaching around to frame his skull, pulling him into the smooch. “No, Red. I need you to tell me you want this. That you want _me._ ”

Red stays silent for a second, anticipation rising, letting Blue think for just a little while longer than he’s not quite ready.

But he knows he’s ready this time, because he doesn’t have to work at all to voice, “i want you, Blue. more than anything. i love y--”

He doesn’t get to finish his sentence before Blue’s mouth is on his.

It’s uncoordinated and tactless, both of them inexperienced, teeth clacking almost painfully sometimes, and yet, every second of it is _Heaven._

And even after Blue pulls away, every second after it continues to be.

~fin

**Author's Note:**

> Follow me on Tumblr  
> @sham-the-skeleton
> 
> * yes the bonus was a repeat scene because i wanted them to kiss and not kiss at the same time and i couldn't decide which option was better sue me ok
> 
> ** in case it wasn't clear, Red didn't participate in the fight against Edge ((too scared, and also that's his brother.)) Stretch was the other person in the room, and he was there to beat some ass to protect Blue but srsly Blue didn't need that help he already finna beat some ass to protect his mate. Protective Blue has no morals when it comes to Red. he gon keep him safe no matter what
> 
> *** edge is totally a dick in this fic but there's probably an au where he's accepting of his brother and was just acting like a douche cause he was afraid of losing him
> 
> **** hc for this fic that in taleverses, all sexualities are accepted by everyone because love is love, and thats why children aren't taught, adults want them to discover things on their own


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